Is It Selfish To Prioritise Your Happiness?

I believe that each of us wants nothing more than to be happy. If we analyse the root cause of every decision we make we will eventually find our way back to happiness. To counter this one might think of negative acts such as those of self harm and suicide. The logical argument to make would be that if we all wanted happiness there would be no prevalence of acts - such as self harm and suicide - that serve no positive purpose.

But when you look into why people do commit these actions you will actually find they are done in the pursuit of happiness. Those that commit suicide do so - so the literature suggests - to escape feelings of unbearable pain or hopelessness and despair. Are they not choosing to end their lives then as they cannot bare to live without being happy and see suicide as their only and last move away from pain? This is a discussion that's open for debate.

But let's assume that, for now, we are in agreement that all humans at their core want to be happy.

The next question that leads to is, is it OK to want to be happy? Especially for the overly polite British amongst us. Is it not selfish to go through life prioritising ones own happiness? Is the pursuit of happiness not in itself a selfish endeavour that will not lead to happiness but a life of loneliness and suffering?

I'd like us to explore those questions together and, I hope, come to some conclusions as these are after all, important questions in. our lives... in fact the way in which we answer these questions might dictate the very paths our lives follow. I know changing the way I answered these questions changed my life very much for the better.

I'll start with my view on the matter then share my rationale for how I came to that current view (I say current because our views are always changing).

I believe that thinking about and prioritising your own happiness is not only important but vital. I believe that when you do this you put yourself in a position to live a more fulfilling - happy - life and avoid much unnecessary suffering. This is my opinion for two reasons. Firstly I have experienced this in my own life and secondly, from my studies and insights I believe it to make rational sense.

My experience with this in a nutshell is that after serving five years in the British military I felt unfulfilled in life and went travelling for a few years. Early on in those years I came across a book called 'The Art Of Happiness' Authored by the Dalai Lama. This book taught me the 'new to me' at the time philosophy that the meaning of life is to be happy. Importantly though is also taught me a new definition of happiness. It taught me that true happiness isn't sensual pleasure and just feeling good, but the deep sense of satisfaction one finds through being a good person and having a positive impact on others. There was also good guidance in the book around how much of the negative emotions we experience in life are not created by external circumstances but how we choose to respond to and lament on them. After reading that book I made two changes in my life that have served me well to date and undoubtedly added lots of value to my life and others. The first was that I committed to living a happy life by being of service to others. The second is that whenever I am feeling hard done by or poorly treated by others instead of blaming my unhappiness on them I would look inward.

I discovered that philosophy when I was in my mid 20's (I'm now 36). It has served me well and kept me on a path I am proud of in life but it certainly hasn't been a 'magic fix' for happiness and I've certainly had plenty of internal struggles over the past 11 years. I don't pretend for a moment to be a happiness guru and hope the title of this blog does not give off the impression that I think of myself that way. I like you am I very normal human fascinated by how to live my life the best way possible with what I have available to me.

Although my life has been by no means perfect since implementing that philosophy there are countless positives that have only been able to occur due to that philosophy. This post isn't about me but looking at some of these positives and understanding the link between this philosophy and their existence is useful when exploring this topic. Some of the positives were/are:

• I was able to quit drinking - I didn't drink at all for two years and now I drink occasionally socially - before I was a binge drinker

• I've started two businesses and written a book - before I would not have believed these things were possible or had the determination to even try

• I live a relatively healthy, functional and 'successful' life

It's worth noting that before this change I drank a lot, lived a hedonistic lifestyle, couldn't relax in my own company and by all purposes lived a 'selfish' lifestyle. I wouldn't describe myself as a bad person but I also wouldn't describe myself then as an overly positive contributor to society. My mental health was up and down but I didn't understand that at the time and any self awareness of that was suppressed through alcohol, adventure, escapism and hedonism.

So the change in my life brought about by that philosophy change has been stark. A commitment to being happy and the relentless pursuit of happiness has done me the world of good and transformed me from a troubled soul to a 'relatively' happy, positive contributor to society. In the case study of me the prioritisation of happiness improved my life and my ongoing contribution to society. The important question then is why and how.

Prioritising happiness is highly likely to lead to positives for you and the society you are in IF you're definition of happiness is 'correct'. In a capitalist society money is king that's why in the UK we measure the 'success' of our country in Gross Domestic Product (GDP) instead of citizen happiness levels. Money is of course important when it comes to happiness as when there is enough of it mass poverty ceases to be a burden in peoples lives. But it's important to understand that money in itself can't make you happy, it can just remove the things - such as poverty - that create barriers to happiness. The challenge with capitalism is it inevitably leads to marketing and societal messaging that makes us believe money and the things money can buy are happiness.

And this leads me full circle to my final argument. Every action we take and decision we make is in some way - usually sub consciously - driven by our desire to happier. If you're not consciously prioritising your happiness, your decisions and life are being manipulated by others - often people who want to make money from you. This is how people end up feeling stuck in jobs they don't like to pay for things they don't need. Ultimately nobody knows what will make you truly happy more than you. You might have spent so much of your life trying to please other people that you feel like you've lost clarity on who you are and what you actually want. If that's you I encourage you to start just by giving yourself time. Set aside half a day or a few hours a week to think about what you want from life and what your ideal life looks like. What things do you want to achieve and experiences do you want to have? What legacy do you want to leave? What do you want people to say about you at your 90th birthday? If just reading those questions makes you uncomfortable that's a clear sign you've fell into living your life to keep other people happy. If you have an able body but are neglecting your health week on week because you 'haven't got time' for health that's a sign you've fell into living your life to keep other people happy.

I believe the meaning of your life, like mine, is to be happy. And when you give yourself permission to prioritise your happiness you will start having a more positive impact on the people you are currently sacrificing your health and happiness for right now - yes that includes your children. My conclusion is it's not selfish to prioritise your happiness but essential. What are your thoughts?